So there I am sneeking along the field. There is a firefight going on to my right just over a ridgeline and I am trying to determine by the sounds/yells whether or not my pals need help. I decide that they are doing OK, but a little help would be nice.
I start walking towards the ridgeline - not too fast as this area hasn't been "cleared" of bad guys yet, but not too slow as I figure any bad guys surely would have already taken a shot at me.
*BANG*
I had just cleared a roughly 6' tall bush when a shot rang out. Instantaneously I heard a ball wiz by my head. I popped back behind the bush and counted my lucky stars. Whomever had taken that shot was *CLOSE* and I had no idea where they were. The shot had been loud enough and my hearing is bad enough that I hadn't even gotten a fix on the direction.
*BANG* *BANG* *BANG*
A few more shots hit the bush I was in, but didn't find a hole. I thought about retreating, but I figured that whomever it was couldn't miss me (Heck, I wasn't sure how they could have missed me on that first shot!). I thought about calling for help, but figured that my assailant would find a hole in the bush before my teammates could come assist me. I decided that it'd be better to go down shooting but I didn't even know where the bad guy was!
I popped my head around the bush just for an instant.
*BANG* *BANG* *BANG*
This time I was able to get a fix on the direction in which the noise was coming. It was coming from the base of a tree maybe 20 feet away. I still hadn't seen the shooter but it didn't take a rocket scientist to know that he was hiding behind the trunk of the tree. I figured my odds of success here were slim to none, but I'd rather go down like Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid than some poor sap who just got shot in the back.
I popped around the corner, gun blazing. I still couldn't see Charlie so I just fired a "shotgun" pattern of balls around the base of the tree. I saw a number of balls come from beneath the tree, but they missed me. I kept pulling the trigger.
And then a voice - "I'm hit!"
I'd won! I'd somehow managed to hit an assailant that I *STILL* couldn't see. And then I saw it. A bright orange barrel plug emerged *from* the tree. My shooter hadn't been behind the base of the tree. My shooter had *BEEN* the tree!
The camouflage pattern worn by my adversary had been perfect for the terrain. I had looked right at him and not even seen him.
I imagine that normally this would have been extremely beneficial for the shooter, but this time it was not. Not knowing that I was in fact shooting my adversary instead of a tree I had pulled the trigger more than a couple times in as short of a time as I could.
I'd hit him 5 times at close range.
But what's this got to do with getting laid?
It's really quite simple: The shooter was not a he. The shooter was a she. In fact, the shooter turned out to be my wife. Somehow I doubt that I'm getting laid tonight....